"you're such a pretty thing to be running from anyone."

i guess it's the distance i feel. the space between the souls of me and the people i'm around.

i don't connect anymore. i don't feel like the same species. i want to scream, but i can't. i am controlled by a society that won't let me fall apart.

don't freak out, don't cry, don't show it, don't be pathetic, don't be vulnerable, don't be exposed.

i am real, i am human. i feel i love i hurt i exude i hate i move i stand still.

i am to the point of implosion that no one sees.

9 transformational resolutions for our generation's women

so i follow a website called tonic.com. it is a news site that only reports good, happy, positive, uplifting stories. there was an article today that spoke about nine transformational resolutions all women should make this year. with me being a slight feminist slash activist for female empowerment, i thoroughly enjoyed it and wanted to share. i am going to do this, and i encourage all of you gorgeous, worthwhile, divine women to join me.

1. I will remind myself daily that life does not live me. Recognize that you create your own path and plan each day with this in mind.
2. I will reconnect with my body. Learn about and embrace your body's natural and powerful cycles. As your body moves through hormonal changes throughout the month, it will have something different to say each day. Fighting against it only creates tension that manifests itself in challenging ways.
3. I will embrace my own sexuality. Women are born as powerful, sexual, multi-orgasmic beings. This gift has been buried under centuries of religious and societal messages that have taught us to feel shame for our bodies and sexuality and to oblige our partners while forgetting about ourselves. Rediscover your natural, erotic self.
4. I will set aside at least 30 minutes of pure "me time" every day. Use this time to read a book that speaks to your soul, meditate, sit in a quiet place, peel off the layers and re-discover your authentic self. When the messages of others are quieted in your head, your heart and soul can be heard and they never lie.
5. I will honor my body by eating healthier and exercising regularly. A healthy body is a prerequisite for anything else you do. Treat your body like a temple and trust that when you do it will take its natural, healthy, beautiful shape.
6. I will commit to consistent time with the women of my circle. A few hundred years ago, the gathering of women was outlawed because its power was overwhelming to many. Tap into this power. These women will remind you of your beauty and strength whenever you forget.
7. I will challenge myself to be the one who defines my beauty inside and out. This will require critically filtering media and societal messages that tell you that you must look, act and speak in a prescribed way in order to be deemed an attractive and acceptable woman.
8. I will trust my instincts. Believe in the life-sustaining instincts you have as a woman, the profound wisdom you carry and your ability to see truth. Too often we doubt ourselves. Your instincts will never steer you wrong.
9. I will remember who I am at my core. Keep near you a photograph of yourself before the age of nine. She will inspire you to honor her, hear her, love her and fiercely protect her, always.

you can find the full article here.

"so this is the new year"

so here it is, the famed "new year, new me" blog post. i have spent all day thinking about what the new year means, and how we perceive time.

we usually think of the time of a year as a short line. the beginning of the line is january, and the end is december. at the end we start over, go back to the beginning, and create a whole new segment.

i, however, do not think of time that way. i have never felt too excited about celebrating new years eve, and felt silly counting down to a new year. i feel like we are still continuing on this line. the line that i've been traveling on my whole life. i've never felt like january 1st was a new start, but just the day after december 31st. you just keep following the line.

i do, however, believe that the line of time is circling. i feel that time has been wound up, like the film of a movie on a platter. the farther along we get, the larger the revolutions. we are only a fraction of a centimeter away from another time, and with bending the film, we can touch another period. it's the most basic and popular concept of time travel.

so aside from my deep thoughts about time and dimensions, i really have made resolutions, even though i try to make resolutions all year long. so it's more of me deciding to continue to work on what i've been doing for a while.

1. i will not put forth the effort to give anyone the time of day, when i am only a mere option. i am worth more than that, and i deserve more. even if this means i will have to go a while loving myself because no one else can love me better, than so be it.

2. i am going to show the world how much i care about my self esteem, and how i view myself. i am gorgeous. i am more than worth the attention. i am a divine creation, and i expect to be treated as such.

3. i am going to make a difference. slowly. day by day. i'm going to toms, i'm spreading the cranes, i'm writing post-it notes. i'm becoming an agent for change.

i'm excited to continue along this trail of time, and ready for another revolution of life.

"and she fights for her life as she puts on her coat"

what is the power of dreams? why do we have them and what do they mean? are they pre deja vu, waiting to be fulfilled in the future?

i've been thinking so much lately, and i've been having dreams. these aren't regular dreams though. regular dreams have random people and things happen. my dreams have been very plausible, and with people i am very close to. they are so real and vivid that i believe they are real. then i wake up and i am so confused and it actually scares and sometimes even depresses me. why am i having these "visions" of sorts? and what do they mean?

i've also had the worst "day-mares" i call them. when i'm not focused during the day, my mind wanders off and has day dreams. but they are terrifying scenes and they freak me out.

my mind is on a never ending sprint. i cannot make it stop. i need it to stop. it's throwing my mood all over the place and messing with my mind. what is going on with me...

"electric feel"

i've had a strong current of constant thought running in and out of my brain paths.

i am told to embrace the loneliness. we learn to deal. and we do. i do. i learn tactics, tricks, and tips to holding my sutures in.

but what if it hits you and you try, you try so hard to embrace the loneliness, but you can't. you crave something, you burn for it. i want to dig deeper, i want to find that stronger connection. i want it.

i want to go under all the layers and fix the moth eroded holes in the lace.

it won't stop haunting my thoughts. that dream. so vivid that i feel that it was real. and i want it to be real. but i don't know what stock to take in dreams.

this is seriously messing with my thoughts. i can't take my mind off of this. help?

"your lips are warm, even in winter air."

i listened to our song for the first time today since you left.


and it was easier than i thought it would be.

i'm growing, you know? i'm drifting.

i'm sprouting wings from my shoulder blades from all the dancing, presiding, singing, leading, learning and exploring i'm doing.



i am finally becoming me.

"i've got a perfect body, but sometimes i forget."

i am beautiful. and i'm going to proclaim it.

i can move my body in different directions. i move my hips, my chest, my legs, my breath. i am connected: limbs, space, time, energy.

lines and curves, walls and water.

abrupt stops, smooth floats. pristine beads of sweat linger on my skin. pieces of hair follow after my moves, entangling me in my locomotion.

i am a dancer. i am a great dancer. i am a natural dancer. i am a talented dancer.

i can move in ways others can't. i can make my hips hypnotize. i can make them cry. i can portray torture. i can fly.

my body is my instrument. my instrument to the universe.