"i'm so heavy in your arms"

i've felt this feeling before. placid lake where the water is heavy. everything is so scattered, but yet orderly. it's like the universe. if you think about it, the universe is in ultimate chaos. yet somehow, the galaxies carry on and everything is in order.

it's my life. the events, the people, the feelings, everything. it's all in ultimate chaos, but i feel placid. slightly heavy, but contempt with letting the order be taken care of by someone else.

let me drop. let me sink into this moment. i'll be fine, it'll be a while.

"."

this bed is wide enough for two.
with eyes still closed, my hand searches for you.
the rain makes a rhythm of it's own outside,
the road striped like tigers at night.

i had spiders in my eyes while moth's tested your back.
i had spiders in my eyes.

those 9 months slipped through my fingers like sand
faster as it neared the end.
the edges burn like parchment on fire,
the embers of melancholy grow ever higher.

i had spiders in my eyes while moth's tested your back.
i had spiders in my eyes.

remember the nights of sleepless discovery?
the nights we stared at the walls
pain evident, the back of our minds.
we were never enough for that apartment dorm.

i had spiders in my eyes while moth's tested your back.
i had spiders in my eyes.

"imagine you're a girl, just trying to come clean."

every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up....right?

"changes, i've never been good with change."

i clutch the cover. i'm inside my head. no one can bother me here.

can't a girl get any good feathers in this town?

the colors, the pages, the paper, the binding, the words, the ink. a bookstore is the only place in town i feel like i belong. besides up on the mountain with the birds and the creatures.

rectangles of lives call out to me from the endless shelves. i must respond, i must. searching through the mazes of ideas, i have to find the one i can afford to save tonight. i carefully handle a couple, and make my decision. the hardback about environmentalism.

in solitude, i'm learning to find strength.