"and she fights for her life as she puts on her coat"

what is the power of dreams? why do we have them and what do they mean? are they pre deja vu, waiting to be fulfilled in the future?

i've been thinking so much lately, and i've been having dreams. these aren't regular dreams though. regular dreams have random people and things happen. my dreams have been very plausible, and with people i am very close to. they are so real and vivid that i believe they are real. then i wake up and i am so confused and it actually scares and sometimes even depresses me. why am i having these "visions" of sorts? and what do they mean?

i've also had the worst "day-mares" i call them. when i'm not focused during the day, my mind wanders off and has day dreams. but they are terrifying scenes and they freak me out.

my mind is on a never ending sprint. i cannot make it stop. i need it to stop. it's throwing my mood all over the place and messing with my mind. what is going on with me...

"electric feel"

i've had a strong current of constant thought running in and out of my brain paths.

i am told to embrace the loneliness. we learn to deal. and we do. i do. i learn tactics, tricks, and tips to holding my sutures in.

but what if it hits you and you try, you try so hard to embrace the loneliness, but you can't. you crave something, you burn for it. i want to dig deeper, i want to find that stronger connection. i want it.

i want to go under all the layers and fix the moth eroded holes in the lace.

it won't stop haunting my thoughts. that dream. so vivid that i feel that it was real. and i want it to be real. but i don't know what stock to take in dreams.

this is seriously messing with my thoughts. i can't take my mind off of this. help?

"your lips are warm, even in winter air."

i listened to our song for the first time today since you left.


and it was easier than i thought it would be.

i'm growing, you know? i'm drifting.

i'm sprouting wings from my shoulder blades from all the dancing, presiding, singing, leading, learning and exploring i'm doing.



i am finally becoming me.

"i've got a perfect body, but sometimes i forget."

i am beautiful. and i'm going to proclaim it.

i can move my body in different directions. i move my hips, my chest, my legs, my breath. i am connected: limbs, space, time, energy.

lines and curves, walls and water.

abrupt stops, smooth floats. pristine beads of sweat linger on my skin. pieces of hair follow after my moves, entangling me in my locomotion.

i am a dancer. i am a great dancer. i am a natural dancer. i am a talented dancer.

i can move in ways others can't. i can make my hips hypnotize. i can make them cry. i can portray torture. i can fly.

my body is my instrument. my instrument to the universe.

"i don't care for your fairytales."

nature vs. nurture.

are we as females born with a genetic code that tells us you will not be happy unless you have the approval or love of a male? or is it just drilled into our brains since birth that we are not complete until we have a special someone?

does it matter whether it is nature or nurture? no. it doesn't. because the fact of the matter is that it is an incredibly hard thought system to break. even if we THINK we have mastered it, we have not.

we build self confidence, we do things on our own, and the BAM! a little interest creeps in and tears down your barricade in an instant.

i am not going to let this detour me. i am going to be stronger than the past me and get over this.

EFF YOU nature/nurture for making/telling us that we need to be dependent. I'm better than that.

eat, pray, love "indonesia"

i finished the third and final part of eat, pray, love this morning. i could have finished it sooner, but wanted to make it last as long as i could. these quotes are from the last part, about elizabeth's journey to indonesia to find balance.

"'Some people like to argue about God.'
'Not necessary,' he said, 'I have good idea, for it you meet some person from different religion and he want to make argument about God. My idea is, you listen to everything this man say about God. Never argue about God with him. Best thing to say is, 'I agree with you.' Then you go home, pray what you want. This is my idea for people to have peace about religion.' (pg 241)"

why is it so hard for us humans to abstain from arguing? we always have to be right, we always have to prove someone else wrong. it's pride. and it is the saddest problem in our world today. if people let go of their pride, wars would cease, love would abound, and there would be peace.


"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enought to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments. (pg 260)"

i have a best friend who once told me, "your happiness depends on you." and he is so right. we have to choose to be happy, and then work towards it. it is up to us, not anyone else, to be happy.


"If I am to truly become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian. Famously, Gloria Steinem once advised women that they should strive to become like the men they had always wanted to marry. (pg 286)"

i love this. and i so believe it to be true. woman are always complaining that their husband/boyfriend doesn't give them enough attention, aren't working enough, aren't considerate, and ultimately not perfect. who are we to complain about it, if we aren't any of those things either? sometimes, if we want to be happy, we have to take control and be exactly the type of person we want to date. then we become happy with our choices, and realize that sometimes we DON'T need a man to make us happy. we only need ourselves.


"Yet what keeps me from dissolving right now into a complete fairy-tale shimmer is this solid truth, a truth which has veritably built my bones over the last few years--I was not rescued by a prince; I was the administrator of my own rescue. (pg 329)"

this quote is at the end of the book, where elizabeth has found balance and is reflecting on her year abroad. it was not felipe coming into her life that had finally healed her, it was her future self that had saved her. it was the future elizabeth inside begging her to become what she knew she was meant to be.

i know that my future self gives me advice, and pushes me along during the moments of loneliness and sadness. i can, and will, be the administrator of my own rescue.

thank you, elizabeth gilbert, for sharing your most intimate thoughts in this wonderful memoir of your life. i would recommend this book to anyone who feels like they may have lost sight of themselves, and to anyone who feels like they need a little more balance in their lives.

eat, pray, love "india"

just finished part 2, india. i feel that maybe elizabeth gilbert is a soul sister of mine.


"The Yogis, however, say that human discontentment is a simple case of mistaken identity. We're miserable because we think that we are mere individuals, alone with our fears and flaws and resentments and mortality. We wrongly believe that our limited little egos constitute our whole entire nature. We have failed to recognize our deeper divine character. We don't relaize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme Self who is eternally at peace. That supreme Self is our true identiry, universal and divine. (pg 122)"

this part of the book has been amazing for me to read. it is all great. this quote struck me. i believe that we all forget who we are, and it's hard for us to remember. if we became best friends with our supreme Self, and was with them at all times, we would hardly feel depression, loneliness, and anxiety. it's the most beautiful thing to be able to be eternally at peace within yourself.


"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. You have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. (pg 149)"

it's coming. i know it is. and i can't wait until it does.


"A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. a true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. (pg 149)"

i can't. not yet.


"Letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well-that would be the end of the universe. But try dropping it. (pg 155)"

letting go is the hardest thing for me to do. i am a control freak, and i feel that if i relax, or can't control something, then it will be the end of all. but it won't. i don't have to be in charge. i'm not in charge, actually. so i need to let go.


"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever. (pg 178)"

isn't it so true? i can control my thoughts. if i'm being nostalgic and it's making me depressed, i just tell my mind no and change my thoughts. because i am in control of only my thoughts.



"The best we can do, then, in response to our incomprehensible and dangerous world, is to practice holding equilibrium internally-no matter what insanity is transpiring out there. (pg 206)"

life is crazy. the world is mad. but no matter what we see on the news or read in the paper, we can be at peace internally. it's the first step to making change around you. you can't spread peace if you aren't balanced inside.

eat, pray, love "italy"

i am reading eat, pray, love by elizabeth gilbert, and finding so many things that i love about it. i wanted to write a 3 part blog post about my response to the book and favorite quotes. so here goes part 1.

italy

"This was not my moment to be seeking romance and (as day follows night) to further complicate my already knotty life. This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude. (pg 8)"

this was the first quote that struck me. it struck me because it's what i'm going through. i find that i can be a needy, emotional person. i have before thought that the way to heal is to replace. but this is the first time i have not done that. i am going to heal myself, and it can only come from solitude. this is so hard for me, since i am so used to being surrounded or always with a significant other. but i know it's true, and it's working. i can stay home on a friday night, and read a book on the porch until it's time to go to bed. i'll admit that i'm still working on it, and there are times that loneliness and depression creep in, but i try to remind them that they are not invited to my private party.


"Still, despite all this, traveling is the great true love of my life...I feel about travel the way a happy new mother feels about her impossible, colicky, restless newborn baby-I just don't care what it puts me through. Because I adore it. Because it's mine. Because it looks exactly like me. It can barf all over me if it wants to--I just don't care. (pg 41)"

i have always known that i wanted to travel. it's such a deep rooted dream, and sometimes i feel that it will not be possible. because of my family upbringing, and our financial situations, we haven't gone on a long of vacations. i wish we had, though. this is why now, at the age of 19, i am passionate and adamant about going to england. i know i will, and even though the thought of going somewhere completely new, where no one knows your name terrifies the you know what out of me, i still want to go. because it is a part of me.


"Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend. (pg 55)"

i think i forget this a lot. in times when i feel ultimately alone, i don't realize that i have myself. i can be my own best friend. ya know, sometimes having a conversation with your self is therapeutic, and not at all crazy (depending on what you consider "crazy"). you need to love yourself, and treat yourself the way you would a best friend.


"All I had to do was ask myself every day, for the first time in my life, "What would you enjoy doing today Liz? What would bring you pleasure right now?" With nobody else's agenda to consider and no other obligations to worry about, this question finally became distilled and absolutely self-specific. (pg 63)"

i have now decided to ask myself that question every single morning. what would you like to do today, sierra? life is too short to try and go through it doing things for other people. do it for yourself. define happiness for yourself, and then go out there and do it.


"When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings. (pg 65)"

this quote is similar to the first one, but i love the wording. just be. be lonely. be happy. be celibate. be scared. be depressed. but whatever you do, just be. but don't ever use another person to try and fill that hole in you. getting with an ex, or having a fling won't make you feel any better, so just deal with the loneliness, and learn how to be lonely.

so be lonely, sierra.

"i'm so heavy in your arms"

i've felt this feeling before. placid lake where the water is heavy. everything is so scattered, but yet orderly. it's like the universe. if you think about it, the universe is in ultimate chaos. yet somehow, the galaxies carry on and everything is in order.

it's my life. the events, the people, the feelings, everything. it's all in ultimate chaos, but i feel placid. slightly heavy, but contempt with letting the order be taken care of by someone else.

let me drop. let me sink into this moment. i'll be fine, it'll be a while.

"."

this bed is wide enough for two.
with eyes still closed, my hand searches for you.
the rain makes a rhythm of it's own outside,
the road striped like tigers at night.

i had spiders in my eyes while moth's tested your back.
i had spiders in my eyes.

those 9 months slipped through my fingers like sand
faster as it neared the end.
the edges burn like parchment on fire,
the embers of melancholy grow ever higher.

i had spiders in my eyes while moth's tested your back.
i had spiders in my eyes.

remember the nights of sleepless discovery?
the nights we stared at the walls
pain evident, the back of our minds.
we were never enough for that apartment dorm.

i had spiders in my eyes while moth's tested your back.
i had spiders in my eyes.

"imagine you're a girl, just trying to come clean."

every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up....right?

"changes, i've never been good with change."

i clutch the cover. i'm inside my head. no one can bother me here.

can't a girl get any good feathers in this town?

the colors, the pages, the paper, the binding, the words, the ink. a bookstore is the only place in town i feel like i belong. besides up on the mountain with the birds and the creatures.

rectangles of lives call out to me from the endless shelves. i must respond, i must. searching through the mazes of ideas, i have to find the one i can afford to save tonight. i carefully handle a couple, and make my decision. the hardback about environmentalism.

in solitude, i'm learning to find strength.

"There's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around They don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound"

honestly, if i think about it, a part of me is jealous.

jealous that i don't have friends commenting me on facebook saying "so excited you're back from college! can't wait to do something fun with ya." "we're going to have some awesome adventures" "it's about time you're back"

jealous that no one is waiting for my arrival.

jealous that i sit at home, always the one to call others to drag them along with me.

jealous that my phone sits silent for days on end.

jealous that life is not like what it used to be.

"help me to carry the fire, we can keep it alive together"

things look a little blurred as i walk down the sidewalk. crisp chill air slides past my cheeks and tears and keeps moving past me. he drives past, and raises his hand to be in the shape of "i love you". i instantly mirror his gesture and watch as that little white car turns the corner and off out of sight.

he is gone.

but only physically.

i look off into the distance and realize that this was the greatest year i have known. i have felt the greatest love, pain, discoveries, and intimacies. i fell in love for the first time, and i will never let that go. that is a part of me, my soul, that will stay with me forever. he is now a permanent part of my soul. and i'm so glad.

i look around me as i drive up the road. mist on the mountain, and deep green plants poking their heads out of the damp earth. this is the beginning. the start of new life and joy. this is time for me to further find myself and what i'm capable of. i know that i can do it, and i realized it with a little help from him.

he is still my best friend forever, no matter the miles that separate us, and always will be.

"don't you know every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up."

i'm going to write a fairy tale where it's the princess in the shining armor. she has to go save the prince, who is up in a castle dreaming about his future and perfect bride. The princess is the brave, courages, strong knight who slays dragons, fights evil wizards or witches and carries the prince off into the distance.

why are there no fairy tales like this that exist?

"i will become this animal"

all animals, creatures, and living organisms have spirits. they live life. they feel and have emotions just like us. they can feel pain and love. they are full of the same stuff that lives and breathes insides. that stream of life and spirit we all share as human beings. we are all connected here on earth. we are all part of a never ending circle of energy. love life, respect all life, for all life is sacred.

a free, adventurous spirit comes with a heavy price.

why is it that i feel like i have a social problem? don't get me wrong, i'm not emo, but i have always felt like i don't fit in just right. like a piece of the puzzle that was made slightly misshapen, and won't go in perfectly.

yes i had friends in high school, yes i was winterball queen, and yes i was seminary council president. i knew a lot people and talked to a lot of people. but within all of that company, i felt like no one really clicked with me. public solitude. alone in a crowd.

the only constant best friend i've had has been my brother. everyone else has either been a year ahead of me or a year behind me. i become attached and create strong bonds. then that time comes, when they graduate, move, or i graduate and move. and then after i become attached to people again, they leave. i don't feel like i connect with people in my year. and even if i do, they create their own groups and don't really let me in. it's like elementary all over again. i find the few gems that understand me completely, like james, but life happens and they leave. for good.

no one will come back to rock springs to stay. like pocahontas and john smith. pocahontas stays with her family, and even thought their love is strong, john smith leaves for england.

a free, adventurous spirit comes with a heavy price.

"what do you do with a girl if she refuses to be alive?"

i am a broken rose. twisted, broken, torn apart. chewed up by society. consumed and regurgitated by the robotic mundane routines of life. beautiful even in shatters.

i feel suffocated. i escape. i wander the familiar streets only to find the same discoveries as before. slightly refreshing, but with a bitter aftertaste.

GET ME OUT OF HERE. no not here. HERE. get me out of this suffocating mess. make me fly, give me wings. free the dove from the barbed wire cage.

pretty girl with the pink pearls around her porcelain neck. smile too wide and they'll twist up tight.

keep the camera frame on me. look me in the eyes but never away. close enough to touch but too far to break. know my words, savor my touch, soak me in like a sponge.

you've broken your only doll.

"semi-blue green."

i bought the most glorious color of nail polish today. a semi blue green. and it is entitled "free spirit"

as i sit here, with my soul colored nails, and eat the mango flavor sorbet, i think about my spirit.

it's yearning to be free.

"anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

here i come world.

"watch things on VCRs with me and talk about big love, I think we're superstars, you say you think we are the best thing"

i hope he knows how incredibly in love with him i am.

"glitter in the air"

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight

"birds flyin high, you know how i feel"

sometimes all a girl wants to be

is

free.

"morning is mocking me."

He chased me through the rain,
'Honey, I'm going your way.'
I don't think so.
You can chase me through the rain,
Scream my name, a childish game,
But I love to be young

i don't want to be fixed. i don't want to be told what's wrong with me. i want a hand to hold with no questions asked. i want to cry for hours. i want to stare into space with nothing but a placid feeling shooting back at me.

"i've plagued you're mind, you will never go back to being blind. step away from my light, i need shine."

I fell into the street
Poison in my veins
Clamber to my feet
And into the night again
Back to my home
Back to my owner
Who screams at my tardiness
Put his hands to the sky

And says
'What can I do, with a girl
If she refuses to be mine?'

In his bed I am queen
Unobtainable me
Human with feelings
The two are not me
The two will not be mine

Put his hand on my shirt
Hand on my face
Head to the wall
When you've broken your only doll

And what will you do
With a girl
If she refuses to be alive?

i am me. i am a doll. unwilling to be the doll that i am. reinforcing my porcelain. not a collectors item. just the doll that seems to find her way to the treasure chests. but when that doll dances, she is untouchable. untouchable reinforced porcelain doll. that's me.

i'm not perfect.

i say stupid things.

"i gotta get through this."

give me just a second and i'll be alright
surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
give me 'til tomorrow then i'll be okay
just another day and then i'll hold you tight

i'm gonna get through this.

"Silk sheet, blue dawn, Colgate, tongue warm. Won’t you quit your crying? I can’t sleep"

I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled
It's ok to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top.

Guess what? I'm not a robot.

I AM NOT A ROBOT.

"I have whispered in the wind, and tried to force it all to fit into a lifeless silhouette."

my stomach has decided to decay at the raw age of 19.

either that or it's trying to tell me something.

can your body parts be wiser than you and try to help by going crazy?

i need a stomach whisperer right now.