a free, adventurous spirit comes with a heavy price.

why is it that i feel like i have a social problem? don't get me wrong, i'm not emo, but i have always felt like i don't fit in just right. like a piece of the puzzle that was made slightly misshapen, and won't go in perfectly.

yes i had friends in high school, yes i was winterball queen, and yes i was seminary council president. i knew a lot people and talked to a lot of people. but within all of that company, i felt like no one really clicked with me. public solitude. alone in a crowd.

the only constant best friend i've had has been my brother. everyone else has either been a year ahead of me or a year behind me. i become attached and create strong bonds. then that time comes, when they graduate, move, or i graduate and move. and then after i become attached to people again, they leave. i don't feel like i connect with people in my year. and even if i do, they create their own groups and don't really let me in. it's like elementary all over again. i find the few gems that understand me completely, like james, but life happens and they leave. for good.

no one will come back to rock springs to stay. like pocahontas and john smith. pocahontas stays with her family, and even thought their love is strong, john smith leaves for england.

a free, adventurous spirit comes with a heavy price.

"what do you do with a girl if she refuses to be alive?"

i am a broken rose. twisted, broken, torn apart. chewed up by society. consumed and regurgitated by the robotic mundane routines of life. beautiful even in shatters.

i feel suffocated. i escape. i wander the familiar streets only to find the same discoveries as before. slightly refreshing, but with a bitter aftertaste.

GET ME OUT OF HERE. no not here. HERE. get me out of this suffocating mess. make me fly, give me wings. free the dove from the barbed wire cage.

pretty girl with the pink pearls around her porcelain neck. smile too wide and they'll twist up tight.

keep the camera frame on me. look me in the eyes but never away. close enough to touch but too far to break. know my words, savor my touch, soak me in like a sponge.

you've broken your only doll.

"semi-blue green."

i bought the most glorious color of nail polish today. a semi blue green. and it is entitled "free spirit"

as i sit here, with my soul colored nails, and eat the mango flavor sorbet, i think about my spirit.

it's yearning to be free.

"anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

here i come world.

"watch things on VCRs with me and talk about big love, I think we're superstars, you say you think we are the best thing"

i hope he knows how incredibly in love with him i am.

"glitter in the air"

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight

"birds flyin high, you know how i feel"

sometimes all a girl wants to be

is

free.

"morning is mocking me."

He chased me through the rain,
'Honey, I'm going your way.'
I don't think so.
You can chase me through the rain,
Scream my name, a childish game,
But I love to be young

i don't want to be fixed. i don't want to be told what's wrong with me. i want a hand to hold with no questions asked. i want to cry for hours. i want to stare into space with nothing but a placid feeling shooting back at me.