"There's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around They don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound"

honestly, if i think about it, a part of me is jealous.

jealous that i don't have friends commenting me on facebook saying "so excited you're back from college! can't wait to do something fun with ya." "we're going to have some awesome adventures" "it's about time you're back"

jealous that no one is waiting for my arrival.

jealous that i sit at home, always the one to call others to drag them along with me.

jealous that my phone sits silent for days on end.

jealous that life is not like what it used to be.

"help me to carry the fire, we can keep it alive together"

things look a little blurred as i walk down the sidewalk. crisp chill air slides past my cheeks and tears and keeps moving past me. he drives past, and raises his hand to be in the shape of "i love you". i instantly mirror his gesture and watch as that little white car turns the corner and off out of sight.

he is gone.

but only physically.

i look off into the distance and realize that this was the greatest year i have known. i have felt the greatest love, pain, discoveries, and intimacies. i fell in love for the first time, and i will never let that go. that is a part of me, my soul, that will stay with me forever. he is now a permanent part of my soul. and i'm so glad.

i look around me as i drive up the road. mist on the mountain, and deep green plants poking their heads out of the damp earth. this is the beginning. the start of new life and joy. this is time for me to further find myself and what i'm capable of. i know that i can do it, and i realized it with a little help from him.

he is still my best friend forever, no matter the miles that separate us, and always will be.

"don't you know every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up."

i'm going to write a fairy tale where it's the princess in the shining armor. she has to go save the prince, who is up in a castle dreaming about his future and perfect bride. The princess is the brave, courages, strong knight who slays dragons, fights evil wizards or witches and carries the prince off into the distance.

why are there no fairy tales like this that exist?

"i will become this animal"

all animals, creatures, and living organisms have spirits. they live life. they feel and have emotions just like us. they can feel pain and love. they are full of the same stuff that lives and breathes insides. that stream of life and spirit we all share as human beings. we are all connected here on earth. we are all part of a never ending circle of energy. love life, respect all life, for all life is sacred.

a free, adventurous spirit comes with a heavy price.

why is it that i feel like i have a social problem? don't get me wrong, i'm not emo, but i have always felt like i don't fit in just right. like a piece of the puzzle that was made slightly misshapen, and won't go in perfectly.

yes i had friends in high school, yes i was winterball queen, and yes i was seminary council president. i knew a lot people and talked to a lot of people. but within all of that company, i felt like no one really clicked with me. public solitude. alone in a crowd.

the only constant best friend i've had has been my brother. everyone else has either been a year ahead of me or a year behind me. i become attached and create strong bonds. then that time comes, when they graduate, move, or i graduate and move. and then after i become attached to people again, they leave. i don't feel like i connect with people in my year. and even if i do, they create their own groups and don't really let me in. it's like elementary all over again. i find the few gems that understand me completely, like james, but life happens and they leave. for good.

no one will come back to rock springs to stay. like pocahontas and john smith. pocahontas stays with her family, and even thought their love is strong, john smith leaves for england.

a free, adventurous spirit comes with a heavy price.

"what do you do with a girl if she refuses to be alive?"

i am a broken rose. twisted, broken, torn apart. chewed up by society. consumed and regurgitated by the robotic mundane routines of life. beautiful even in shatters.

i feel suffocated. i escape. i wander the familiar streets only to find the same discoveries as before. slightly refreshing, but with a bitter aftertaste.

GET ME OUT OF HERE. no not here. HERE. get me out of this suffocating mess. make me fly, give me wings. free the dove from the barbed wire cage.

pretty girl with the pink pearls around her porcelain neck. smile too wide and they'll twist up tight.

keep the camera frame on me. look me in the eyes but never away. close enough to touch but too far to break. know my words, savor my touch, soak me in like a sponge.

you've broken your only doll.

"semi-blue green."

i bought the most glorious color of nail polish today. a semi blue green. and it is entitled "free spirit"

as i sit here, with my soul colored nails, and eat the mango flavor sorbet, i think about my spirit.

it's yearning to be free.

"anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

here i come world.