company and solitary.

do our friends and the people we are around define who we are? or is it in the quiet solitary moments that we experience where our true self is revealed? constantly surrounded by admirers and kindred spirits, is this always so healthy? alone and left to converse with only your thoughts. is this healthy either? a human need for companionship, but circumstances call for solitude.

"miles and miles in my bare feet, still can't lay me down to sleep"

it's pouring heavily outside, the ceiling fan is on low, bon iver plays in the background and my mind will not stop running. i decide it's time for a non stop writing style blog. ready, go.

oh how life plays with us. pick us up, throws us across the room just like in those fancy liam neeson movies and then cradles us in it's arms, crooning us back to health. i feel like i'm being repeatedly thrown around by life, and i'd greatly appreciate it if life would slow down a little. thinking about school in the fall and getting ready for it has taken the excitement out of it all. i have no desire to go through with this incredibly large change in my life. i hate change. i want change. i hate change.

inspiration comes in many forms, but nothing larger than a great piece of music to get me moving. so many things in my life i want to experience, so many things in my life i want to do, feel, see, receive, create and give.

i am so full of fear. my deep, inner desire to experience new and great things is not happy with the black hole of fear i hold inside me. i found out last year that fear is the root of my anxiety, my stress, my tears. i know this. but how does one overcome incredible fear? it's not easy, and at the moment does not seem plausible.

even when i have nothing to stress about in the summer, i still find myself full of tension in my shoulders, neck, jaw and head. it may just be a life struggle to keep the pain and tightness out of my life.

nature is the best healer of the soul. i get to venture out into my favorite place in the world next week and i feel it will be a good thing for me to do. reconnect, meditate, be inspired and light the flame that this mundane schedule has snuffed out.

"changes, i've never been good with change."

i wept at the mistakes we made
we stalked the streets like animals
and danced as windows shattered
for our island, for the thrill of it, for everything that mattered.

this weekend was a one of events. i graduated with an associate's degree on friday, drove down to a close friend's reception on saturday, and drove back today. there are several things i learned over the past few days and thought about during the drive. these are those things:

1. people change. you can't expect your image of a person you had when they left to be the same when you see them a year later. but also remember that you aren't the same either, and that's a good thing sometimes.

2. people don't always treat you the way you want them to, or imagine them to. you have to throw out preconceived notions of how the weekend will pan out, and how they will act around you. then accept it and try to be conscious of your actions and be kind.

3. life is beautiful and happy. i sometimes put off the vibe that i'm bitter about my best friends getting married, but i'm not. i am so incredibly happy for my friends, and love that they are so happy and in love. i absolutely cannot wait until i fall in love and have that experience. it's something i am looking forward to, and wish my friends the best.

4. change is the only thing that's constant. i cannot escape it. i should stop trying. it terrifies me, it hurts, it's wonderful, it's fun, it's sad, and it's life.

5. my friends will always be there for me. even if they live miles away and are married. i know that we will always be friends/sisters/brothers and i should not get down on the fact that they are gone. they are with me all the time.

life. i'm experiencing it. i'm living it. i'm learning. i may not be perfect, but everyday i mold a little more. and i'm ok with that.

"you're such a pretty thing to be running from anyone."

i guess it's the distance i feel. the space between the souls of me and the people i'm around.

i don't connect anymore. i don't feel like the same species. i want to scream, but i can't. i am controlled by a society that won't let me fall apart.

don't freak out, don't cry, don't show it, don't be pathetic, don't be vulnerable, don't be exposed.

i am real, i am human. i feel i love i hurt i exude i hate i move i stand still.

i am to the point of implosion that no one sees.

9 transformational resolutions for our generation's women

so i follow a website called tonic.com. it is a news site that only reports good, happy, positive, uplifting stories. there was an article today that spoke about nine transformational resolutions all women should make this year. with me being a slight feminist slash activist for female empowerment, i thoroughly enjoyed it and wanted to share. i am going to do this, and i encourage all of you gorgeous, worthwhile, divine women to join me.

1. I will remind myself daily that life does not live me. Recognize that you create your own path and plan each day with this in mind.
2. I will reconnect with my body. Learn about and embrace your body's natural and powerful cycles. As your body moves through hormonal changes throughout the month, it will have something different to say each day. Fighting against it only creates tension that manifests itself in challenging ways.
3. I will embrace my own sexuality. Women are born as powerful, sexual, multi-orgasmic beings. This gift has been buried under centuries of religious and societal messages that have taught us to feel shame for our bodies and sexuality and to oblige our partners while forgetting about ourselves. Rediscover your natural, erotic self.
4. I will set aside at least 30 minutes of pure "me time" every day. Use this time to read a book that speaks to your soul, meditate, sit in a quiet place, peel off the layers and re-discover your authentic self. When the messages of others are quieted in your head, your heart and soul can be heard and they never lie.
5. I will honor my body by eating healthier and exercising regularly. A healthy body is a prerequisite for anything else you do. Treat your body like a temple and trust that when you do it will take its natural, healthy, beautiful shape.
6. I will commit to consistent time with the women of my circle. A few hundred years ago, the gathering of women was outlawed because its power was overwhelming to many. Tap into this power. These women will remind you of your beauty and strength whenever you forget.
7. I will challenge myself to be the one who defines my beauty inside and out. This will require critically filtering media and societal messages that tell you that you must look, act and speak in a prescribed way in order to be deemed an attractive and acceptable woman.
8. I will trust my instincts. Believe in the life-sustaining instincts you have as a woman, the profound wisdom you carry and your ability to see truth. Too often we doubt ourselves. Your instincts will never steer you wrong.
9. I will remember who I am at my core. Keep near you a photograph of yourself before the age of nine. She will inspire you to honor her, hear her, love her and fiercely protect her, always.

you can find the full article here.

"so this is the new year"

so here it is, the famed "new year, new me" blog post. i have spent all day thinking about what the new year means, and how we perceive time.

we usually think of the time of a year as a short line. the beginning of the line is january, and the end is december. at the end we start over, go back to the beginning, and create a whole new segment.

i, however, do not think of time that way. i have never felt too excited about celebrating new years eve, and felt silly counting down to a new year. i feel like we are still continuing on this line. the line that i've been traveling on my whole life. i've never felt like january 1st was a new start, but just the day after december 31st. you just keep following the line.

i do, however, believe that the line of time is circling. i feel that time has been wound up, like the film of a movie on a platter. the farther along we get, the larger the revolutions. we are only a fraction of a centimeter away from another time, and with bending the film, we can touch another period. it's the most basic and popular concept of time travel.

so aside from my deep thoughts about time and dimensions, i really have made resolutions, even though i try to make resolutions all year long. so it's more of me deciding to continue to work on what i've been doing for a while.

1. i will not put forth the effort to give anyone the time of day, when i am only a mere option. i am worth more than that, and i deserve more. even if this means i will have to go a while loving myself because no one else can love me better, than so be it.

2. i am going to show the world how much i care about my self esteem, and how i view myself. i am gorgeous. i am more than worth the attention. i am a divine creation, and i expect to be treated as such.

3. i am going to make a difference. slowly. day by day. i'm going to toms, i'm spreading the cranes, i'm writing post-it notes. i'm becoming an agent for change.

i'm excited to continue along this trail of time, and ready for another revolution of life.

"and she fights for her life as she puts on her coat"

what is the power of dreams? why do we have them and what do they mean? are they pre deja vu, waiting to be fulfilled in the future?

i've been thinking so much lately, and i've been having dreams. these aren't regular dreams though. regular dreams have random people and things happen. my dreams have been very plausible, and with people i am very close to. they are so real and vivid that i believe they are real. then i wake up and i am so confused and it actually scares and sometimes even depresses me. why am i having these "visions" of sorts? and what do they mean?

i've also had the worst "day-mares" i call them. when i'm not focused during the day, my mind wanders off and has day dreams. but they are terrifying scenes and they freak me out.

my mind is on a never ending sprint. i cannot make it stop. i need it to stop. it's throwing my mood all over the place and messing with my mind. what is going on with me...

"electric feel"

i've had a strong current of constant thought running in and out of my brain paths.

i am told to embrace the loneliness. we learn to deal. and we do. i do. i learn tactics, tricks, and tips to holding my sutures in.

but what if it hits you and you try, you try so hard to embrace the loneliness, but you can't. you crave something, you burn for it. i want to dig deeper, i want to find that stronger connection. i want it.

i want to go under all the layers and fix the moth eroded holes in the lace.

it won't stop haunting my thoughts. that dream. so vivid that i feel that it was real. and i want it to be real. but i don't know what stock to take in dreams.

this is seriously messing with my thoughts. i can't take my mind off of this. help?

"your lips are warm, even in winter air."

i listened to our song for the first time today since you left.


and it was easier than i thought it would be.

i'm growing, you know? i'm drifting.

i'm sprouting wings from my shoulder blades from all the dancing, presiding, singing, leading, learning and exploring i'm doing.



i am finally becoming me.

"i've got a perfect body, but sometimes i forget."

i am beautiful. and i'm going to proclaim it.

i can move my body in different directions. i move my hips, my chest, my legs, my breath. i am connected: limbs, space, time, energy.

lines and curves, walls and water.

abrupt stops, smooth floats. pristine beads of sweat linger on my skin. pieces of hair follow after my moves, entangling me in my locomotion.

i am a dancer. i am a great dancer. i am a natural dancer. i am a talented dancer.

i can move in ways others can't. i can make my hips hypnotize. i can make them cry. i can portray torture. i can fly.

my body is my instrument. my instrument to the universe.

"i don't care for your fairytales."

nature vs. nurture.

are we as females born with a genetic code that tells us you will not be happy unless you have the approval or love of a male? or is it just drilled into our brains since birth that we are not complete until we have a special someone?

does it matter whether it is nature or nurture? no. it doesn't. because the fact of the matter is that it is an incredibly hard thought system to break. even if we THINK we have mastered it, we have not.

we build self confidence, we do things on our own, and the BAM! a little interest creeps in and tears down your barricade in an instant.

i am not going to let this detour me. i am going to be stronger than the past me and get over this.

EFF YOU nature/nurture for making/telling us that we need to be dependent. I'm better than that.

eat, pray, love "indonesia"

i finished the third and final part of eat, pray, love this morning. i could have finished it sooner, but wanted to make it last as long as i could. these quotes are from the last part, about elizabeth's journey to indonesia to find balance.

"'Some people like to argue about God.'
'Not necessary,' he said, 'I have good idea, for it you meet some person from different religion and he want to make argument about God. My idea is, you listen to everything this man say about God. Never argue about God with him. Best thing to say is, 'I agree with you.' Then you go home, pray what you want. This is my idea for people to have peace about religion.' (pg 241)"

why is it so hard for us humans to abstain from arguing? we always have to be right, we always have to prove someone else wrong. it's pride. and it is the saddest problem in our world today. if people let go of their pride, wars would cease, love would abound, and there would be peace.


"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enought to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments. (pg 260)"

i have a best friend who once told me, "your happiness depends on you." and he is so right. we have to choose to be happy, and then work towards it. it is up to us, not anyone else, to be happy.


"If I am to truly become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian. Famously, Gloria Steinem once advised women that they should strive to become like the men they had always wanted to marry. (pg 286)"

i love this. and i so believe it to be true. woman are always complaining that their husband/boyfriend doesn't give them enough attention, aren't working enough, aren't considerate, and ultimately not perfect. who are we to complain about it, if we aren't any of those things either? sometimes, if we want to be happy, we have to take control and be exactly the type of person we want to date. then we become happy with our choices, and realize that sometimes we DON'T need a man to make us happy. we only need ourselves.


"Yet what keeps me from dissolving right now into a complete fairy-tale shimmer is this solid truth, a truth which has veritably built my bones over the last few years--I was not rescued by a prince; I was the administrator of my own rescue. (pg 329)"

this quote is at the end of the book, where elizabeth has found balance and is reflecting on her year abroad. it was not felipe coming into her life that had finally healed her, it was her future self that had saved her. it was the future elizabeth inside begging her to become what she knew she was meant to be.

i know that my future self gives me advice, and pushes me along during the moments of loneliness and sadness. i can, and will, be the administrator of my own rescue.

thank you, elizabeth gilbert, for sharing your most intimate thoughts in this wonderful memoir of your life. i would recommend this book to anyone who feels like they may have lost sight of themselves, and to anyone who feels like they need a little more balance in their lives.

eat, pray, love "india"

just finished part 2, india. i feel that maybe elizabeth gilbert is a soul sister of mine.


"The Yogis, however, say that human discontentment is a simple case of mistaken identity. We're miserable because we think that we are mere individuals, alone with our fears and flaws and resentments and mortality. We wrongly believe that our limited little egos constitute our whole entire nature. We have failed to recognize our deeper divine character. We don't relaize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme Self who is eternally at peace. That supreme Self is our true identiry, universal and divine. (pg 122)"

this part of the book has been amazing for me to read. it is all great. this quote struck me. i believe that we all forget who we are, and it's hard for us to remember. if we became best friends with our supreme Self, and was with them at all times, we would hardly feel depression, loneliness, and anxiety. it's the most beautiful thing to be able to be eternally at peace within yourself.


"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. You have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. (pg 149)"

it's coming. i know it is. and i can't wait until it does.


"A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. a true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. (pg 149)"

i can't. not yet.


"Letting go, of course, is a scary enterprise for those of us who believe that the world revolves only because it has a handle on the top of it which we personally turn, and that if we were to drop this handle for even a moment, well-that would be the end of the universe. But try dropping it. (pg 155)"

letting go is the hardest thing for me to do. i am a control freak, and i feel that if i relax, or can't control something, then it will be the end of all. but it won't. i don't have to be in charge. i'm not in charge, actually. so i need to let go.


"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever. (pg 178)"

isn't it so true? i can control my thoughts. if i'm being nostalgic and it's making me depressed, i just tell my mind no and change my thoughts. because i am in control of only my thoughts.



"The best we can do, then, in response to our incomprehensible and dangerous world, is to practice holding equilibrium internally-no matter what insanity is transpiring out there. (pg 206)"

life is crazy. the world is mad. but no matter what we see on the news or read in the paper, we can be at peace internally. it's the first step to making change around you. you can't spread peace if you aren't balanced inside.

eat, pray, love "italy"

i am reading eat, pray, love by elizabeth gilbert, and finding so many things that i love about it. i wanted to write a 3 part blog post about my response to the book and favorite quotes. so here goes part 1.

italy

"This was not my moment to be seeking romance and (as day follows night) to further complicate my already knotty life. This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude. (pg 8)"

this was the first quote that struck me. it struck me because it's what i'm going through. i find that i can be a needy, emotional person. i have before thought that the way to heal is to replace. but this is the first time i have not done that. i am going to heal myself, and it can only come from solitude. this is so hard for me, since i am so used to being surrounded or always with a significant other. but i know it's true, and it's working. i can stay home on a friday night, and read a book on the porch until it's time to go to bed. i'll admit that i'm still working on it, and there are times that loneliness and depression creep in, but i try to remind them that they are not invited to my private party.


"Still, despite all this, traveling is the great true love of my life...I feel about travel the way a happy new mother feels about her impossible, colicky, restless newborn baby-I just don't care what it puts me through. Because I adore it. Because it's mine. Because it looks exactly like me. It can barf all over me if it wants to--I just don't care. (pg 41)"

i have always known that i wanted to travel. it's such a deep rooted dream, and sometimes i feel that it will not be possible. because of my family upbringing, and our financial situations, we haven't gone on a long of vacations. i wish we had, though. this is why now, at the age of 19, i am passionate and adamant about going to england. i know i will, and even though the thought of going somewhere completely new, where no one knows your name terrifies the you know what out of me, i still want to go. because it is a part of me.


"Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend. (pg 55)"

i think i forget this a lot. in times when i feel ultimately alone, i don't realize that i have myself. i can be my own best friend. ya know, sometimes having a conversation with your self is therapeutic, and not at all crazy (depending on what you consider "crazy"). you need to love yourself, and treat yourself the way you would a best friend.


"All I had to do was ask myself every day, for the first time in my life, "What would you enjoy doing today Liz? What would bring you pleasure right now?" With nobody else's agenda to consider and no other obligations to worry about, this question finally became distilled and absolutely self-specific. (pg 63)"

i have now decided to ask myself that question every single morning. what would you like to do today, sierra? life is too short to try and go through it doing things for other people. do it for yourself. define happiness for yourself, and then go out there and do it.


"When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings. (pg 65)"

this quote is similar to the first one, but i love the wording. just be. be lonely. be happy. be celibate. be scared. be depressed. but whatever you do, just be. but don't ever use another person to try and fill that hole in you. getting with an ex, or having a fling won't make you feel any better, so just deal with the loneliness, and learn how to be lonely.

so be lonely, sierra.

"i'm so heavy in your arms"

i've felt this feeling before. placid lake where the water is heavy. everything is so scattered, but yet orderly. it's like the universe. if you think about it, the universe is in ultimate chaos. yet somehow, the galaxies carry on and everything is in order.

it's my life. the events, the people, the feelings, everything. it's all in ultimate chaos, but i feel placid. slightly heavy, but contempt with letting the order be taken care of by someone else.

let me drop. let me sink into this moment. i'll be fine, it'll be a while.

"."

this bed is wide enough for two.
with eyes still closed, my hand searches for you.
the rain makes a rhythm of it's own outside,
the road striped like tigers at night.

i had spiders in my eyes while moth's tested your back.
i had spiders in my eyes.

those 9 months slipped through my fingers like sand
faster as it neared the end.
the edges burn like parchment on fire,
the embers of melancholy grow ever higher.

i had spiders in my eyes while moth's tested your back.
i had spiders in my eyes.

remember the nights of sleepless discovery?
the nights we stared at the walls
pain evident, the back of our minds.
we were never enough for that apartment dorm.

i had spiders in my eyes while moth's tested your back.
i had spiders in my eyes.

"imagine you're a girl, just trying to come clean."

every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up.
every kitten figures out how to get down, whether or not you ever show up....right?

"changes, i've never been good with change."

i clutch the cover. i'm inside my head. no one can bother me here.

can't a girl get any good feathers in this town?

the colors, the pages, the paper, the binding, the words, the ink. a bookstore is the only place in town i feel like i belong. besides up on the mountain with the birds and the creatures.

rectangles of lives call out to me from the endless shelves. i must respond, i must. searching through the mazes of ideas, i have to find the one i can afford to save tonight. i carefully handle a couple, and make my decision. the hardback about environmentalism.

in solitude, i'm learning to find strength.

"There's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around They don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound"

honestly, if i think about it, a part of me is jealous.

jealous that i don't have friends commenting me on facebook saying "so excited you're back from college! can't wait to do something fun with ya." "we're going to have some awesome adventures" "it's about time you're back"

jealous that no one is waiting for my arrival.

jealous that i sit at home, always the one to call others to drag them along with me.

jealous that my phone sits silent for days on end.

jealous that life is not like what it used to be.

"help me to carry the fire, we can keep it alive together"

things look a little blurred as i walk down the sidewalk. crisp chill air slides past my cheeks and tears and keeps moving past me. he drives past, and raises his hand to be in the shape of "i love you". i instantly mirror his gesture and watch as that little white car turns the corner and off out of sight.

he is gone.

but only physically.

i look off into the distance and realize that this was the greatest year i have known. i have felt the greatest love, pain, discoveries, and intimacies. i fell in love for the first time, and i will never let that go. that is a part of me, my soul, that will stay with me forever. he is now a permanent part of my soul. and i'm so glad.

i look around me as i drive up the road. mist on the mountain, and deep green plants poking their heads out of the damp earth. this is the beginning. the start of new life and joy. this is time for me to further find myself and what i'm capable of. i know that i can do it, and i realized it with a little help from him.

he is still my best friend forever, no matter the miles that separate us, and always will be.