company and solitary.

do our friends and the people we are around define who we are? or is it in the quiet solitary moments that we experience where our true self is revealed? constantly surrounded by admirers and kindred spirits, is this always so healthy? alone and left to converse with only your thoughts. is this healthy either? a human need for companionship, but circumstances call for solitude.

"miles and miles in my bare feet, still can't lay me down to sleep"

it's pouring heavily outside, the ceiling fan is on low, bon iver plays in the background and my mind will not stop running. i decide it's time for a non stop writing style blog. ready, go.

oh how life plays with us. pick us up, throws us across the room just like in those fancy liam neeson movies and then cradles us in it's arms, crooning us back to health. i feel like i'm being repeatedly thrown around by life, and i'd greatly appreciate it if life would slow down a little. thinking about school in the fall and getting ready for it has taken the excitement out of it all. i have no desire to go through with this incredibly large change in my life. i hate change. i want change. i hate change.

inspiration comes in many forms, but nothing larger than a great piece of music to get me moving. so many things in my life i want to experience, so many things in my life i want to do, feel, see, receive, create and give.

i am so full of fear. my deep, inner desire to experience new and great things is not happy with the black hole of fear i hold inside me. i found out last year that fear is the root of my anxiety, my stress, my tears. i know this. but how does one overcome incredible fear? it's not easy, and at the moment does not seem plausible.

even when i have nothing to stress about in the summer, i still find myself full of tension in my shoulders, neck, jaw and head. it may just be a life struggle to keep the pain and tightness out of my life.

nature is the best healer of the soul. i get to venture out into my favorite place in the world next week and i feel it will be a good thing for me to do. reconnect, meditate, be inspired and light the flame that this mundane schedule has snuffed out.

"changes, i've never been good with change."

i wept at the mistakes we made
we stalked the streets like animals
and danced as windows shattered
for our island, for the thrill of it, for everything that mattered.

this weekend was a one of events. i graduated with an associate's degree on friday, drove down to a close friend's reception on saturday, and drove back today. there are several things i learned over the past few days and thought about during the drive. these are those things:

1. people change. you can't expect your image of a person you had when they left to be the same when you see them a year later. but also remember that you aren't the same either, and that's a good thing sometimes.

2. people don't always treat you the way you want them to, or imagine them to. you have to throw out preconceived notions of how the weekend will pan out, and how they will act around you. then accept it and try to be conscious of your actions and be kind.

3. life is beautiful and happy. i sometimes put off the vibe that i'm bitter about my best friends getting married, but i'm not. i am so incredibly happy for my friends, and love that they are so happy and in love. i absolutely cannot wait until i fall in love and have that experience. it's something i am looking forward to, and wish my friends the best.

4. change is the only thing that's constant. i cannot escape it. i should stop trying. it terrifies me, it hurts, it's wonderful, it's fun, it's sad, and it's life.

5. my friends will always be there for me. even if they live miles away and are married. i know that we will always be friends/sisters/brothers and i should not get down on the fact that they are gone. they are with me all the time.

life. i'm experiencing it. i'm living it. i'm learning. i may not be perfect, but everyday i mold a little more. and i'm ok with that.

"you're such a pretty thing to be running from anyone."

i guess it's the distance i feel. the space between the souls of me and the people i'm around.

i don't connect anymore. i don't feel like the same species. i want to scream, but i can't. i am controlled by a society that won't let me fall apart.

don't freak out, don't cry, don't show it, don't be pathetic, don't be vulnerable, don't be exposed.

i am real, i am human. i feel i love i hurt i exude i hate i move i stand still.

i am to the point of implosion that no one sees.

9 transformational resolutions for our generation's women

so i follow a website called tonic.com. it is a news site that only reports good, happy, positive, uplifting stories. there was an article today that spoke about nine transformational resolutions all women should make this year. with me being a slight feminist slash activist for female empowerment, i thoroughly enjoyed it and wanted to share. i am going to do this, and i encourage all of you gorgeous, worthwhile, divine women to join me.

1. I will remind myself daily that life does not live me. Recognize that you create your own path and plan each day with this in mind.
2. I will reconnect with my body. Learn about and embrace your body's natural and powerful cycles. As your body moves through hormonal changes throughout the month, it will have something different to say each day. Fighting against it only creates tension that manifests itself in challenging ways.
3. I will embrace my own sexuality. Women are born as powerful, sexual, multi-orgasmic beings. This gift has been buried under centuries of religious and societal messages that have taught us to feel shame for our bodies and sexuality and to oblige our partners while forgetting about ourselves. Rediscover your natural, erotic self.
4. I will set aside at least 30 minutes of pure "me time" every day. Use this time to read a book that speaks to your soul, meditate, sit in a quiet place, peel off the layers and re-discover your authentic self. When the messages of others are quieted in your head, your heart and soul can be heard and they never lie.
5. I will honor my body by eating healthier and exercising regularly. A healthy body is a prerequisite for anything else you do. Treat your body like a temple and trust that when you do it will take its natural, healthy, beautiful shape.
6. I will commit to consistent time with the women of my circle. A few hundred years ago, the gathering of women was outlawed because its power was overwhelming to many. Tap into this power. These women will remind you of your beauty and strength whenever you forget.
7. I will challenge myself to be the one who defines my beauty inside and out. This will require critically filtering media and societal messages that tell you that you must look, act and speak in a prescribed way in order to be deemed an attractive and acceptable woman.
8. I will trust my instincts. Believe in the life-sustaining instincts you have as a woman, the profound wisdom you carry and your ability to see truth. Too often we doubt ourselves. Your instincts will never steer you wrong.
9. I will remember who I am at my core. Keep near you a photograph of yourself before the age of nine. She will inspire you to honor her, hear her, love her and fiercely protect her, always.

you can find the full article here.

"so this is the new year"

so here it is, the famed "new year, new me" blog post. i have spent all day thinking about what the new year means, and how we perceive time.

we usually think of the time of a year as a short line. the beginning of the line is january, and the end is december. at the end we start over, go back to the beginning, and create a whole new segment.

i, however, do not think of time that way. i have never felt too excited about celebrating new years eve, and felt silly counting down to a new year. i feel like we are still continuing on this line. the line that i've been traveling on my whole life. i've never felt like january 1st was a new start, but just the day after december 31st. you just keep following the line.

i do, however, believe that the line of time is circling. i feel that time has been wound up, like the film of a movie on a platter. the farther along we get, the larger the revolutions. we are only a fraction of a centimeter away from another time, and with bending the film, we can touch another period. it's the most basic and popular concept of time travel.

so aside from my deep thoughts about time and dimensions, i really have made resolutions, even though i try to make resolutions all year long. so it's more of me deciding to continue to work on what i've been doing for a while.

1. i will not put forth the effort to give anyone the time of day, when i am only a mere option. i am worth more than that, and i deserve more. even if this means i will have to go a while loving myself because no one else can love me better, than so be it.

2. i am going to show the world how much i care about my self esteem, and how i view myself. i am gorgeous. i am more than worth the attention. i am a divine creation, and i expect to be treated as such.

3. i am going to make a difference. slowly. day by day. i'm going to toms, i'm spreading the cranes, i'm writing post-it notes. i'm becoming an agent for change.

i'm excited to continue along this trail of time, and ready for another revolution of life.

"and she fights for her life as she puts on her coat"

what is the power of dreams? why do we have them and what do they mean? are they pre deja vu, waiting to be fulfilled in the future?

i've been thinking so much lately, and i've been having dreams. these aren't regular dreams though. regular dreams have random people and things happen. my dreams have been very plausible, and with people i am very close to. they are so real and vivid that i believe they are real. then i wake up and i am so confused and it actually scares and sometimes even depresses me. why am i having these "visions" of sorts? and what do they mean?

i've also had the worst "day-mares" i call them. when i'm not focused during the day, my mind wanders off and has day dreams. but they are terrifying scenes and they freak me out.

my mind is on a never ending sprint. i cannot make it stop. i need it to stop. it's throwing my mood all over the place and messing with my mind. what is going on with me...